Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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