Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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