At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
