It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
whose parrot is this?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
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