yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
