if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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