I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
