I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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