honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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