Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
should my penis look like a turkey
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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