I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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