Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
