Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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