we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize
