So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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