Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Randomize
