i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
