sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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