I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
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