I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I forgot wine drunk hurts
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
