apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
