Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
