I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
