she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
