A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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