There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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