I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
