Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
barbara walters just said penis...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
