You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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