I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I think people are normalizing furries
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
