my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
