Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's shark week go big or go home
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize