There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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