no, he came in my armpit
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
