I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
