I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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