Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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