My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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