'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
