So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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