Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
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