Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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