i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You are the jesus of drinking
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
