I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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