no, he came in my armpit
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
