i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
