Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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