so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
