so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
