Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
