i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
