She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
