I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
