we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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