My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
