I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
