My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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